More from James...

Housework Part 3

This new passion of mine continues to be absorbing. Hoovering for example seems to flout the laws of physics. One hoovers a carpet one day and empties the cylinder holding the dust, then hoovers the same carpet again a week later only to find that a similar amount of dust has accumulated. The carpet does not appear to be any thinner but, judging by the amount of dust, it must be losing fibres by the truckload every time. A physical impossibility, Or is it? Perhaps dust is nothing to do with carpet fibres but something else entirely. What could it be? It must be something that falls, like winter snow, down from above. When it snows you can see the snowflakes falling but I have never seen a fall of dust so I suspect that it must be something that gets deposited at night when we are all abed. Who or what is doing this? One of these days I will set my alarm for 3.00 am, get up,  pick up a torch and investigate. I will report in due course.

I don’t know about you but we are finding it impossible to book a delivery by Waitrose. They never seem to have any slots but, by way of contrast, Majestic Wine takes our order and delivers within three or four days. This is wonderful so we have now given up on Waitrose and are relying entirely on Majestic. They do not do groceries very well so we are living on a restricted diet of beer and wine. Could be worse! We wait by the front door every day waiting for the Majestic van to arrive. When it does, we rush out, grab our essential supplies  and stack them in the garage, the spare bedrooms and in the attic. This is not hording. It is helping to preserve the jobs of the Majestic staff.

My laptop broke down last Friday and a man from PC World came yesterday to collect it for repair. When he arrived we did a gavotte. He rang the bell and stood back as I opened the door. He asked that I place the box on the doormat and stand back. I picked up the box and with something of a flourish leaned forward and placed the box on the doormat and then, as asked, stood back. The PCW man then stepped forward, bowed low and with a flourish of his right hand, picked up the box. Then, standing about three meters apart we each gave a little nod of the head before he climbed into his van and drove off.

Nice to think that such courtesies and customs are coming back I felt.

Joke - Over the Limit

One Saturday morning  a Green Gymmer was driving to the site when she noticed a flashing blue light in her rear view mirror. The police car overtook her and signalled for her to stop.

The young officer walked over and said “Madam, do you realise that you are on a 40 mph speed limit road and that you were doing over 70?”

The Gymmer said nothing so the officer said “Madam, please show me your driving licence”

“I don’t have one’ she replied.

“Dear me” said the policeman,” well, show me your insurance certificate”

“I don’t have one of those either” said the  Gymmer “In fact I do not own this car, I have stolen it and what’s more I have just murdered my husband and his body is in the boot.”

The policeman was taken aback and did not know what to do so he phoned HQ for support. After a few minutes another police car arrive with a Chief Inspector.

He walks over to the Gymmer  and said “ I understand from my officer that you do not have a driving licence or any insurance , that this car is stolen and that you have a body in the boot.”

‘Oh no !.There must be some mistake” said the Gymmer and handed over a perfectly valid driving licence and insurance certificate naming her as the owner of the car. “And do take a look in the boot.” The Chief Inspector examined the documents,  furrowed his brow then went round the back and opened the boot only to find a pair of wellies, a green waterproof jacket and a bowsaw.

“Well” said the Gymmer pointing at the young officer, “As you have discovered Chief Inspector, you cannot believe a single word that young policeman of yours says. Why, he even accused me of speeding!!!”

-James